I do not have insomnia. And there was a time when I would be exhausted by the time eight o’ clock rolled around. But, lately, I have been finding it difficult to fall asleep.
Many things contribute to this.
1. My house is never organized, though I try. It seems to look like a disaster area, in my opinion. Like a mini tornado swept across my living room, throwing crackers, cereal, papers, toys, and anything in it’s path and throwing it all over the floor…or was that my toddler? I suppose being a neat-freak doesn’t help matters any. ALL GERMS MUST DIE!!!! AND ALL THINGS MUST BE ORGANIZED!!!! I lay awake at night thinking about all the microscopic organism invading and multiplying within my home and the papers my husband thoughtfully stacks in various spots throughout the home that need to be filed. Do I have issues? Probably.
2. I feel lonely. I am surrounded by people who love and care about me, but I still feel alone at times. My immediate family living 3,000 miles away doesn’t help. And the fact that all the friends I had before kids seemed to stray away as if I developed some mysterious contagious disease. If you call boogers, spit-up, mystery stains, and sneezing in your face a disease, then I suppose they have a valid reason.
3. I miss working. Yes, being a mother is a full-time job and the toughest one I have ever had. But, what I mean is the job where I actually bring income into our home. And, do not get me wrong, I love being at home with my kids…even though I softly cry when school is on delay or canceled, but I enjoy what I do and who I get to do it for. The fact of the matter is, I have worked since I was fourteen years old. I am in my early thirties now and not being employed is still foreign to me, though I’ve been a domestic goddess, mommy, errand runner, boo-boo kisser, and human napkin now for thirteen months. Having a career or even part-time job where I am being paid money should not make me feel more like a woman, wife, and successful mother. But it does. And, I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.
4. I am stressed. I love my beautiful chaotic life but I am overwhelmed, at times. Especially when the laundry monster strikes and decides it will be humorous to triple my laundry load because, Lord knows, it tends to multiply at night while everyone is sound asleep. And then there is the dishes and the other thousands of messes I need to tackle but never seem to have enough time in the day because I am always needed. And I love being needed. I just need there to be more of me. I cannot do it all…and it makes me feel as though I have failed. I can’t even keep up with the clever chore chart I created for myself.
5. After ten and eleven PM, that is the only “ME TIME” I ever get, so I take advantage of it. It is my time to breathe, try my best to relax, and remind myself: I am doing the best I can, even if I feel it isn’t good enough. And it is my time to reflect on the day. I truly love my family. I love being a wife. And I love being a mom even more. Even if my home is never clean.
As I write this, I know I should be cleaning, but, hey, I deserve a break. We all do.